


Functioning

by orphan_account



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Ableism, Autistic Spencer Reid, Canon Autistic Character, Spencer Reid is stressed and so am I, autistic headcanon, autistic shutdown, internalized ableism, shutdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27129484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Spencer Reid isn’t that autistic.Until Maeve dies, and everything gets a bit too much. Then he is.—Reid has a shutdown while working a case.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 145





	Functioning

**Author's Note:**

> A poorly written tale set after Maeve’s death that I wrote because I have had a very bad day. The team knows Reid is autistic in this one. Reid and I are both terrible at handling our emotions. Not part of the ‘Because I’m Weird’ series since I think it’s too low quality to be there. 
> 
> I did a bit of research on shutdowns although I could have done more, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this is grossly inaccurate. I’m not autistic so please tell me what I did wrong and what I did right!

Spencer Reid isn’t _that_ autistic.

He’d heard that floating around the sixth floor of Quantico. People beyond the team had found out and were talking about it. Reid had overheard Rossi saying that to JJ, and he hadn’t stuck around to hear her response. Did itmake him seem less like an enigma if they phrased it that way? Did it take away their accountability? Because if Spencer wasn’t too autistic, they didn’t have to learn anything about him?

Spencer wasn’t that autistic, until Maeve died and then he was.

It was an onslaught of emotions and all of it was his fault. Why would he start a relationship with a woman he didn’t know, who was in a dangerous situation? Why didn’t he trust the team enough to tell them about her before? Why did he put himself into a situation that was bound to fail? _Why, why, why?_ He thought as he shoved books off their shelves, pushed over tables and chairs, and did a variety of other things a 30-something year old man probably shouldn’t be doing. He didn’t have an outlet for it, and the team wouldn’t understand, and he didn’t get his own emotions, and he didn’t know what to do.

He spent two weeks without contacting his friends, stimming in ways that weren’t the safest but vaguely reminded him of his childhood. He felt everything and nothing, and he was depressed, and he didn’t know what to do.

He just didn’t know what to do.

What could he do about it? The people who cared the most about him also understood him the least, and didn’t know how to help him. Because having a meltdown and destroying your entire apartment was a very autistic thing to do, and he wasn’t that autistic.

For two weeks he was a mixture of angry and afraid and useless and sad.

When he finally went back to work, the routine felt...good. It’s a strange thing to find normalcy working for the FBI, but Spencer managed, and he liked how it felt to go back to something familiar.

The team had helped him clean his apartment, and it happened in silence, because there was definitely something very non-neurotypical about a grown man destroying his own home that the team wasn’t ready to acknowledge. Spencer tried not to feel self conscious about it, but guilt and shame overwhelmed him anyway, so he dedicated himself to appearing as normal as possible.

Then it all came crashing down when the BAU began investigating a terrorist attack.

Too little sleep, too much coffee, too many unfamiliar people (most of whom he didn’t have time to avoid shaking hands with), and too little time alone. It was a very, very bad combination, especially considering how hard Spencer had worked to suppress everything he was feeling. He’d siphoned himself into a very uncomfortable position, and he was breaking the very shoddy mask he’d put on to keep himself together.

“Someone’s awfully quiet,” JJ said, sitting next to Spencer at the table he was working at.

It could barely be described as working, really. Spencer had been working on the geographic profile to figure out just where the terrorists were operating from. Now, though, was staring at the map ahead of him, processing none of it. He certainly seemed quiet, but on the inside a thousand thoughts and feelings crashed through his mind. He felt a bit like he was having a panic attack; he felt suffocated in his own head. It was decidedly not quiet.

On the outside, however, Spencer remained so. Getting himself to speak would take too much effort. But he felt like he was being rude, not responding to JJ, so he forced out an “I’m busy” that was barely above a whisper. He prayed to whoever was listening that JJ would leave, and thankfully she did, but he knew she could tell something was off.

There was too much noise, and too many people, and the whole situation was very strange. It was almost ethereal. Everything was rushing around Spencer in a haze, and he was floating through it. He’d turned himself inward and pushed everything else out. Too bad on the inside were all the emotions that hurt and that he didn’t want to face and all the other negative feelings he’d pushed away over weeks. He started hyperventilating, breathing too deeply and too quickly and too loudly. Thank goodness he was alone, because the last thing he needed was for someone to see him in this state.

“Dr. Reid?”

Spencer’s eyes snapped in the direction of his name, barely moving as he said, “Yes?” A female agent from the terrorism unit was standing in the doorway.

“How’s the geographic profile coming? We need it ten minutes ago. Can’t you work faster than that?” The agent asked.

“I...th...yes,” he said simply. Spencer wasn’t even sure what he was trying to say. All his thoughts had coagulated into a formless molasses, and everything other than breathing was hard. He physically couldn’t speak.

“Well, what’d you find? We’re wasting time here.”

Spencer didn’t move, and he didn’t say anything.

“Hello? Anybody there?” The agent approached Spencer. “What’s wrong with you?”

He was sure his uneven breathing had become apparent by now, and the agent was eyeing him up and down, trying to figure what in the world had happened to the smartest BAU agent.

A few moments later, Hotch and Blake entered the room.

“Reid?” Blake asked tentatively. “Spencer, is everything okay?”

Spencer took a shaky, even breath, before his breathing sped up again.

“He’s not responding,” Blake reported to Hotch.

The older man stepped towards him. “Reid, are you having a shutdown?” he asked.

“What’s that?” Blake asked.

“Shutdowns can happen when autistic individuals are overwhelmed. It’s an inward response and makes it difficult to function and even speak,” Hotch explained. He turned back to Reid. “Are you having a shutdown?” he asked again.

Reid nodded,

“Okay,” Hotch replied. “Blake, can you bring him some water? And make sure no one but the team comes in this room.”

Blake nodded and left.

“You’re going to be fine,” Hotch assured. “Is there anything you need from us? You don’t have to respond, just nod.”

Reid nodded again.

“Alright. Do you want someone to sit here with you?”

Spencer shook his head slightly.

“You want to be left alone?”

Spencer nodded in response.

“Okay, do you want someone else to handle the geographic profile?” Hotch asked.

Reid hesitated, then nodded again, and Blake returned with astyrofoam cup full of water.

“Is there anything else we can do?” She asked.

Hotch shook his head. “We just need to give him some space. Can you ask Rossi if he can finish the geographic profile?”

“Of course.”

Blake left, and Spencer and Hotch were the only two people in the room.

“I know you’ve been having a difficult month, Spencer. You’ve been back for a couple of days now, but I would understand if you want to take some time off again.”

Spencer wasn’t sure how to respond. He was simply grateful that Hotch respected him.

“You don’t have to tell me now,” Hotch said. “But just know that I don’t want you doing anything to your own detriment, or that would make you uncomfortable.” Then he walked out of the room, and Spencer watched as he met with the rest of the team just outside. Spencer didn’t know what Hotch was telling them, and he couldn’t help feeling like a bit of a burden.

Spencer didn’t like being described as someone who wasn’t _that_ autistic, or as someone ‘high functioning’. Those were things neurotypical people used to absolve themselves of responsibility to learn and help when he needed it. Those phrases didn’t describe how he actually was.

He was just autistic, and he wished that was enough for people to try and understand.

**Author's Note:**

> Just started season 10 and I miss Blake so much :’(
> 
> Anyway life sucks so instead of confronting my feelings, I wrote this because neurodivergent Spence makes me happy.  
> Genuinely not proud of this one but 🤷🏽♀️


End file.
